Friday, August 18, 2006
The salesman
A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Missouri."Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.After the store was locked up, the boss came down "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says "one". The boss says "Just one?! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.65".The boss says "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell? The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Michigan??
Q. What does the average Michigan player get on his/her SAT?
A. Drool.
Q. How many Wolverines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. One, but he gets 5 credits for it.
Q. Why do women from Michigan wear high heels?
A. To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground.
Q. Why doesn't Ohio slide off into the Ohio River?
A. Because Michigan SUCKS.
Q. What do you tell the U of M cheerleader to pick her up after she smiles at you?
A. Nice tooth, babe.
Q. How do you keep your family safe from a Wolverine?
A. Move to Pasadena.
Q. Did you hear the University of Michigan is going to bring back artificial
turf in their football stadium?
A. They're tired of the cheerleaders eating all the grass.
Q. Why did they change the playing field at "The Big House" to cardboard?
A. Because Michigan has always looked better on paper.
Q. How do you make Wolverine cookies?
A. Put them in a big bowl and beat them for three hours.
Q. What do you say to a Michigan Wolverine in a three piece suit?
A. Will the defendant please rise.
Q. What do you call a football player in Michigan who has talent?
A. An Ohio product
Q. What's the difference between the Michigan football team and Frosted Flakes?
A. Frosted Flakes know what to do in a bowl
Q. Why do University of Michigan graduates keep their diplomas on their dashboard?
A. So that they can park in handicaped spaces.
Q. How do you get a Michigan graduate to stop knocking on your door and get off your porch?
A. Pay for the pizza.
Q. What do you have when you get 32 Michigan fans togethor?
A. A full set of teeth.
Have you heard the news? Lloyd Carr is only going to dress 22 players for the game
against Ohio State. The rest of the players have to dress themselves.
If a couple from Ann Arbor get a divorce, are they still brother and sister?
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a
Michigan joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that
joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Michigan
alumnus. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2 tall, weighs 225, and he's a
Michigan alumnus. The fella next to him is 6'5 tall, weighs 250, and he's a
Michigan alumnus. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?" The first guy says,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it 3 times."
Three profs go to Tijuana. They had so much fun they were put in jail
and, justice being what it is, were sentenced to death by electrocution.
The first Prof sits in the chair. "Any last words?" "Yes, I'm from
Northwestern and I'm ready to meet my God." But nothing happens when the
switch is thrown and the Prof is released because it would be cruel and
unusual to attempt a second excecution. Next guy gets into the chair and
announces he's from Purdue, etc. and again nothing happens and he is
released. The third Prof has been watching very closely. When he gets
into the chair he says, "I'm from U. of Michigan and I'm an Electrical
Engineer. And if you just connect those two wires..."
Lloyd carr is on the Ohio 5 yard line in the closing seconds of a game
tied 14 - 14 and prays for inspiration. He looks to the heavens and says
"God what play should I call." God answers "throw a flat pass to the
right". Lloyd calls the play and it is intercepted and returned all the
way for a touchdown giving Ohio State the win. Lloyd once again looks to
the heavens and says "God why did you call that play". God pauses and
says "Hey Woody why did we call that play?"
When the Heisman trophy winner died and was at the pearly gates, St
Peter asked what he had accomplished to be allowed in. The football
player responded with all of his awards, yardage gained, etc and
suddenly stopped short screaming "Look it is Woody Hayes" as the man
passed by him. St Peter then corrected him saying, "No, it is God...He
only thinks he is Woody Hayes"
A Buckeye fan, a Wolverine fan, a nun and a stunning blonde are riding
on a train. Suddenly the train heads into a tunnel. A loud smack is
heard and as the train rides out of the tunnel the Wolverine fan is
rubbing his face. The nun thinks: "Serves him right for trying to grab
the blonde." The blonde thinks: "Serves him right for trying to grab the
nun." The Wolverine fan thinks: "The Buckeyes fan was probably trying to
grab the blonde, missed her and grabbed the nun instead. Then she tried
to smack him in the face and missed." The Buckeye fan thinks: "Next
tunnel I'm going to smack that stupid Wolverine fan again."
Directions to Michigan........ North till you smell crap, then West till
you step in it.
A family of Michigan football supporters head out to do some shopping.
The son picks up an OSU jersey and tells his mother he's decided to
become a Buckeye fan and wants this for Christmas. The mother, upset,
whacks him on the head and says Go see your father! Off he goes with the
OSU jersey in hand to find his dad. Dad? I've decided I'm going to be an
OSU fan and want this jersey for Christmas. The father is outraged,
whacks his son on the head and says No son of mine will ever be seen in
THAT! On they way home the father says I hope you learned something
today. The son says Yes, I have. What is it? I've only been a Buckeye
fan for an hour and I already hate you Michigan idiots.
A Michigan fan and an Ohio State fan go to the restroom and stand next
to each other at the urinal. They finish about the same time. The
Michigan fan goes to the sink to wash his hands and the Ohio State fan
starts to walk out. The Michigan fan yells that the Ohio State fan and
says hey in Michigan they teach us to wash our hands after going to the
bathroom. The Ohio State fan replies back. At Ohio State they teach us
not to pee on our hands...
Michigan babies are soo ugly their incubators are tinted.
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a
broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But
I'm a graduate of the University of Michigan," the young man replied
indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
4 college alumni were climbing a mountain. An Ohio State grad, a
Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, & a Notre Dame grad. As they climbed
they began to fight over who was the most spirited alumni & loved their
school more. As they reached the top the Notre Dame grad hurled himself
off the mountain. As he fell to his doom he shouted "THIS IS FOR THE
FIGHTING IRISH!!!" Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad then
shouted "THIS IS FOR THE NITANY LIONS!!!!" and hurled himself off the
side of the mountain. Of course not wanting to be outdone the Ohio State
grad shouted " THIS IS FOR THE BUCKEYES" & walked over and pushed the
Michigan grad over the side of the mountain!!!!!
A Professor invents an IQ machine that boosts a person's IQ to 300 and
then starts counting backward. He connects his wife to it, turns it off
at 190, and she starts explaining quantum physics. He tries it out on
his brother Bill, turns it off at 175, and Bill starts talking advanced
calculus. Then he plugs in his cousin Bob. Just then the phone rings,
and it's a telemarketer. By the time he gets back to unplug Bob, the
machine is counting down: 14 - 13 - 12. He slams the switch to "off,"
shakes Bob and screams, "Say something!" and Bob says, "Go blue!"
A stockbroker, on his way home from work in Columbus, came to a dead
halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than
usual." He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped
cars. The officer replies, "Lloyd Carr is depressed, so he stopped the
team bus and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself
on fire. He is tired of losing to Ohio State every year and the
university has cut back on his recruiting budget. We're taking up a
collection for him." The stockbroker asks, "How much have you got so
far?" The officer replies, "About 75 gallons, but a lot of folks are
still siphoning."
An Ann Arbor judge was ruling in the case of a ten year old boy who
accused his parents of beating him. After reviewing the evidence, the
judge announced that his intention to make the boy's grandmother his
custodian. The boy protested this, stating that the grandmother also
beat the boy. Finally, the judge awarded custody of the boy to Lloyd
Carr and the Wolverines, since the judge rightly determined that they
can't beat anybody.
A Michigan fan was sitting at a table reading the Newspaper, The
headline read: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." He shook his head at the
sad news, then turned to the man sitting next to him and asked, "How
many is a Brazilian?"
ome friends came to visit us in Dublin and commented that it sure was windy in Ohio. We had to explain that it's really not very windy at all in Ohio it's just that Michigan sucks so badly.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What
does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "Go Michigan." "Use Hot
Water , A box of Tide and Four Cups Bleach."
Maybe you've heard, LLLoyd Carr has lost the playbook for the game this
weekend... Unfortunately, he wasn't done coloring it yet.
Bo Schembeckler died and went to heaven. St. Peter met him at the gate.
"It is so great to have you here Coach." St. Peter leads Bo to a nice
little 2 bedroom ranch home painted maize and blue. Upon entering, Bo
finds the house decorated in Michigan colors with "M"'s all over. St.
Peter leads Bo to the nice backyard with patio. Bo looks up on the high
hill above his new home and sees a giant mansion all decked out in
Scarlet and Gray and a big Block "O" flag flying on the flag pole. Bo
turns to St. Peter and angerly asks: "Why in the heck does Woody get
such a big house and I get this little ranch house??" "Oh," says St.
Peter, "that is not Woody's house, that is God's house."
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips
began to move slightly. "Becky my darling" he whispered. "Hush my love,"
she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his
tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to
confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Every thing's all right, go to
sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I...I have been a Michigan
Fan all of my life!" "I know sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the
poison work."
A Michigan grad sees an ad for a $99 cruise. He goes to the travel agent
and pays the fee. The travel agent hits him over the head with a club,
stuffs him in a sack, throws him out the window onto a raft and cuts the
raft loose. The Michigan grad wakes up floating in the ocean, along with
another Michigan graduate. "I hope they serve dinner on this cruise,"
the first grad says. "They didn't last year," the second one replies.
A. Drool.
Q. How many Wolverines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. One, but he gets 5 credits for it.
Q. Why do women from Michigan wear high heels?
A. To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground.
Q. Why doesn't Ohio slide off into the Ohio River?
A. Because Michigan SUCKS.
Q. What do you tell the U of M cheerleader to pick her up after she smiles at you?
A. Nice tooth, babe.
Q. How do you keep your family safe from a Wolverine?
A. Move to Pasadena.
Q. Did you hear the University of Michigan is going to bring back artificial
turf in their football stadium?
A. They're tired of the cheerleaders eating all the grass.
Q. Why did they change the playing field at "The Big House" to cardboard?
A. Because Michigan has always looked better on paper.
Q. How do you make Wolverine cookies?
A. Put them in a big bowl and beat them for three hours.
Q. What do you say to a Michigan Wolverine in a three piece suit?
A. Will the defendant please rise.
Q. What do you call a football player in Michigan who has talent?
A. An Ohio product
Q. What's the difference between the Michigan football team and Frosted Flakes?
A. Frosted Flakes know what to do in a bowl
Q. Why do University of Michigan graduates keep their diplomas on their dashboard?
A. So that they can park in handicaped spaces.
Q. How do you get a Michigan graduate to stop knocking on your door and get off your porch?
A. Pay for the pizza.
Q. What do you have when you get 32 Michigan fans togethor?
A. A full set of teeth.
Have you heard the news? Lloyd Carr is only going to dress 22 players for the game
against Ohio State. The rest of the players have to dress themselves.
If a couple from Ann Arbor get a divorce, are they still brother and sister?
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a
Michigan joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that
joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Michigan
alumnus. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2 tall, weighs 225, and he's a
Michigan alumnus. The fella next to him is 6'5 tall, weighs 250, and he's a
Michigan alumnus. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?" The first guy says,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it 3 times."
Three profs go to Tijuana. They had so much fun they were put in jail
and, justice being what it is, were sentenced to death by electrocution.
The first Prof sits in the chair. "Any last words?" "Yes, I'm from
Northwestern and I'm ready to meet my God." But nothing happens when the
switch is thrown and the Prof is released because it would be cruel and
unusual to attempt a second excecution. Next guy gets into the chair and
announces he's from Purdue, etc. and again nothing happens and he is
released. The third Prof has been watching very closely. When he gets
into the chair he says, "I'm from U. of Michigan and I'm an Electrical
Engineer. And if you just connect those two wires..."
Lloyd carr is on the Ohio 5 yard line in the closing seconds of a game
tied 14 - 14 and prays for inspiration. He looks to the heavens and says
"God what play should I call." God answers "throw a flat pass to the
right". Lloyd calls the play and it is intercepted and returned all the
way for a touchdown giving Ohio State the win. Lloyd once again looks to
the heavens and says "God why did you call that play". God pauses and
says "Hey Woody why did we call that play?"
When the Heisman trophy winner died and was at the pearly gates, St
Peter asked what he had accomplished to be allowed in. The football
player responded with all of his awards, yardage gained, etc and
suddenly stopped short screaming "Look it is Woody Hayes" as the man
passed by him. St Peter then corrected him saying, "No, it is God...He
only thinks he is Woody Hayes"
A Buckeye fan, a Wolverine fan, a nun and a stunning blonde are riding
on a train. Suddenly the train heads into a tunnel. A loud smack is
heard and as the train rides out of the tunnel the Wolverine fan is
rubbing his face. The nun thinks: "Serves him right for trying to grab
the blonde." The blonde thinks: "Serves him right for trying to grab the
nun." The Wolverine fan thinks: "The Buckeyes fan was probably trying to
grab the blonde, missed her and grabbed the nun instead. Then she tried
to smack him in the face and missed." The Buckeye fan thinks: "Next
tunnel I'm going to smack that stupid Wolverine fan again."
Directions to Michigan........ North till you smell crap, then West till
you step in it.
A family of Michigan football supporters head out to do some shopping.
The son picks up an OSU jersey and tells his mother he's decided to
become a Buckeye fan and wants this for Christmas. The mother, upset,
whacks him on the head and says Go see your father! Off he goes with the
OSU jersey in hand to find his dad. Dad? I've decided I'm going to be an
OSU fan and want this jersey for Christmas. The father is outraged,
whacks his son on the head and says No son of mine will ever be seen in
THAT! On they way home the father says I hope you learned something
today. The son says Yes, I have. What is it? I've only been a Buckeye
fan for an hour and I already hate you Michigan idiots.
A Michigan fan and an Ohio State fan go to the restroom and stand next
to each other at the urinal. They finish about the same time. The
Michigan fan goes to the sink to wash his hands and the Ohio State fan
starts to walk out. The Michigan fan yells that the Ohio State fan and
says hey in Michigan they teach us to wash our hands after going to the
bathroom. The Ohio State fan replies back. At Ohio State they teach us
not to pee on our hands...
Michigan babies are soo ugly their incubators are tinted.
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a
broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But
I'm a graduate of the University of Michigan," the young man replied
indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
4 college alumni were climbing a mountain. An Ohio State grad, a
Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, & a Notre Dame grad. As they climbed
they began to fight over who was the most spirited alumni & loved their
school more. As they reached the top the Notre Dame grad hurled himself
off the mountain. As he fell to his doom he shouted "THIS IS FOR THE
FIGHTING IRISH!!!" Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad then
shouted "THIS IS FOR THE NITANY LIONS!!!!" and hurled himself off the
side of the mountain. Of course not wanting to be outdone the Ohio State
grad shouted " THIS IS FOR THE BUCKEYES" & walked over and pushed the
Michigan grad over the side of the mountain!!!!!
A Professor invents an IQ machine that boosts a person's IQ to 300 and
then starts counting backward. He connects his wife to it, turns it off
at 190, and she starts explaining quantum physics. He tries it out on
his brother Bill, turns it off at 175, and Bill starts talking advanced
calculus. Then he plugs in his cousin Bob. Just then the phone rings,
and it's a telemarketer. By the time he gets back to unplug Bob, the
machine is counting down: 14 - 13 - 12. He slams the switch to "off,"
shakes Bob and screams, "Say something!" and Bob says, "Go blue!"
A stockbroker, on his way home from work in Columbus, came to a dead
halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than
usual." He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped
cars. The officer replies, "Lloyd Carr is depressed, so he stopped the
team bus and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself
on fire. He is tired of losing to Ohio State every year and the
university has cut back on his recruiting budget. We're taking up a
collection for him." The stockbroker asks, "How much have you got so
far?" The officer replies, "About 75 gallons, but a lot of folks are
still siphoning."
An Ann Arbor judge was ruling in the case of a ten year old boy who
accused his parents of beating him. After reviewing the evidence, the
judge announced that his intention to make the boy's grandmother his
custodian. The boy protested this, stating that the grandmother also
beat the boy. Finally, the judge awarded custody of the boy to Lloyd
Carr and the Wolverines, since the judge rightly determined that they
can't beat anybody.
A Michigan fan was sitting at a table reading the Newspaper, The
headline read: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." He shook his head at the
sad news, then turned to the man sitting next to him and asked, "How
many is a Brazilian?"
ome friends came to visit us in Dublin and commented that it sure was windy in Ohio. We had to explain that it's really not very windy at all in Ohio it's just that Michigan sucks so badly.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What
does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "Go Michigan." "Use Hot
Water , A box of Tide and Four Cups Bleach."
Maybe you've heard, LLLoyd Carr has lost the playbook for the game this
weekend... Unfortunately, he wasn't done coloring it yet.
Bo Schembeckler died and went to heaven. St. Peter met him at the gate.
"It is so great to have you here Coach." St. Peter leads Bo to a nice
little 2 bedroom ranch home painted maize and blue. Upon entering, Bo
finds the house decorated in Michigan colors with "M"'s all over. St.
Peter leads Bo to the nice backyard with patio. Bo looks up on the high
hill above his new home and sees a giant mansion all decked out in
Scarlet and Gray and a big Block "O" flag flying on the flag pole. Bo
turns to St. Peter and angerly asks: "Why in the heck does Woody get
such a big house and I get this little ranch house??" "Oh," says St.
Peter, "that is not Woody's house, that is God's house."
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips
began to move slightly. "Becky my darling" he whispered. "Hush my love,"
she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his
tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to
confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Every thing's all right, go to
sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I...I have been a Michigan
Fan all of my life!" "I know sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the
poison work."
A Michigan grad sees an ad for a $99 cruise. He goes to the travel agent
and pays the fee. The travel agent hits him over the head with a club,
stuffs him in a sack, throws him out the window onto a raft and cuts the
raft loose. The Michigan grad wakes up floating in the ocean, along with
another Michigan graduate. "I hope they serve dinner on this cruise,"
the first grad says. "They didn't last year," the second one replies.
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